I feel like I should do a "how did I get here?" sort of post. It's been one heckuva journey, for sure. The last couple of mornings I have been sharing tea with Brighid, and Imbas hit me to do this. Of course, I then forgot all about it, and did dishes for an hour (8 people in the house means lots of dishes). So, without further ado, a long post about my faith path.
I was born in a rural town in WI. Neither of my parents were particularly religious; my dad was Methodist, and my mother Lutheran, Missouri Synod. My mom had my sister and I go to Sunday School at her church, although I don't recall much of it, other than it was a little boring, and we didn't really sing kids songs, just the songs from the hymnal. Dad was a farmer, so church wasn't his priority: getting the cows milked was. Mom had a falling out with the pastor of the Mo Synod church, and yanked us out fast. Mom wasn't one for putting up with judgemental types for long.
In fourth grade, she asked my sister and I if we wanted to go back to Sunday School at the ELCA church in town, Bethlehem Lutheran. We said "sure!". The only issue: this was the "popular" church. Many of the first families in town went there, including my aunt, who was well off. A lot of the kids there had gone to church there all their lives. I had the wrong kind of bible too: it was my mom's King James version, and they were all using the Good News version. I didn't have new clothes; mostly hand-me-downs from my wealthy cousins in Milwaukee. I knew all these kids; we went to school together for all of our lives, but I felt so out of place. However, I ended up getting into it, as it were, and did Confirmation for 2 years, graduating from it in 8th grade. Confirmation was pointless, by the way. I learned bupkis. I also hated having to do acolyte stuff.
I wanted to be a part of church (even though I found it weird and boring), so I signed up for the empty slot for teaching Kindergarten class in the fall. For four years I taught the little goobers, only taking time off if I was sick, or it was Prom season. I even got into a fight with the little old ladies who taught the Pre-K bunch (basically Jesus daycare for an hour). They were offended I didn't put Santa Claus up in my classroom, but instead used a drawing I had made of Mary riding a donkey holding the baby Jesus while Joseph walked beside them. That was fun.
All the while I was there, I was constantly fighting with people, subtly or outright, to keep Jesus in the program. It was a lot of busywork, but it felt so wrong to not really talk about Jesus, and all that we were supposed to believe. And through all of this, I didn't believe in it. Not really. I could sense the presence of Jesus, but it was distant. I went through all the motions, because it was expected of me, but I didn't really give a real crap about it. I did it because it made others proud. So, when I finally left to go to college, I literally quit going to church and believing in anything. I knew there was "something" out there, but honestly, I was agnostic going on atheist.
Now, a side not that is important here. My mom, whatever issues we had (and we had a lot) always made sure I had art supplies and books. I devoured books, and loved to reread favorites. I always had some kind of book with me, and usually a sketchbook with pencils. She gave me a book in high school called The White Raven by Diana L. Paxson. I read that book so often that it was almost falling apart. I still have it, in fact, and last Paganicon I was able to meet Diana in person, and have her sign it. She said she loves old, well loved books like that. This book introduced me to the concept of a Goddess... and not just any Goddess, but Brighid Herself. Yes, I had studied Greek, Norse and Egyptian mythologies, but none of them spoke to me as being "real".. well, Athena was a constant, but She was more abstract. Brighid's name rang in my mind. The prayers and rituals in the book called to me. No, I never did any of them, but I could see them in my mind's eye just as clearly as I can see this monitor. That connection the characters had with Her was wondrous, and I wanted that so badly.
So, back to the story. I was engaged after college to my long term boyfriend. ELCA Lutheran raised as well, but like me not particularly into religion. We were not doing so well, due to a lot of issues (my undiagnosed depression making me rather hard to be around, for one), and I met a guy at work. He was tall, had broad shoulders, and was a gigantic nerd. I fell hard. We bonded over Monty Python, Weird Al and Def Leppard. He made me feel special. So, spring of '99 we started dating; by fall we were engaged, and by Sept 16th, 2000, we were married. He was also an ELCA Lutheran, raised in Texas. He was conservative, and a regular church goer. We attended church in Lindstrom MN, where his grandparents were members. I got pregnant, and we had our son's baptism there.
I cried every week we were there. The church there was dying, spiritually. Everyone went through the motions, but there was no real feel of Spirit anywhere. It physically hurt to be there. After awhile, it became too difficult to drive there every week, and we tried to find a closer church. We had marital difficulties (again, neither of us had our issues diagnosed; luckily that has all changed!). We tried a few other churches around the area, but by the time I was pregnant with our second son, I was done with faking being a Christian. I was depressed, stressed, and crying into the wilderness for relief, and that's when I heard Her. It felt like Mother saying "I am here", gently but persistently.
I started looking at Wicca, behind my husband's back. I bought books and candles, and tried to quietly do spells. Of course, this couldn't stay quiet for long, and we had a few...it wasn't pleasant, and I don't want to dwell on it. We worked on it, as best we could, for a year or so, and then one day he said to me, "I want to go to seminary". My response: "Good, I knew you needed to go." I didn't know until he said the words, but it made so much sense. He couldn't get work as a lawyer, and was so frustrated with it all. He was Called, and he needed to go. So, off to seminary he went, working full time, while I homeschooled our children and worked part time. I dedicated myself to Brighid after my youngest was born, and tried to keep it together.
Seminary was, honestly, the best thing my husband could have done. Even though he went to a conservative Baptist seminary, he was becoming more progressive and ecumenical every day. We had hours long discussions of hermeneutics, archeology, history, mythology, ethics, etc. His path wasn't clear though. We weren't backed by any denomination, and bounced from congregation to congregation. ELCA Lutheran, United Church of Christ, independant...none of them fit him. He knew too much. His final paper was on Paganism in the Twin Cities...and he introduced me to his classmates as Pagan. Openly acknowledging me to his peers was a giant step for us both. I worried that my Paganism would stop him from getting work, and he was worried it would hurt me to be "in the broom closet" like that.
I was solitary for a long time. I was a wandering Wiccan for a long time, using Cunningham, Moura, Dugan, etc as guides, but they didn't feel like "home". Then, I read Brendan Myers book The Mysteries of Druidry. I already had Isaac Bonewit's book, and John Michael Greer's handbook for OBOD, but never could commit. Myers changed that all. Diana had started the call for me, but Brendan brought me home to Druidism. I have been eclectically studying Druidry for a few years, but finally 2 years ago I found a home in Northern Roots Grove in the Twin Cities. They are an eclectic Grove, not officially affiliated with any flavor of Druidism. They are open, inclusive and welcoming. I also recently re-upped my ADF membership, and started a study group for those in the Grove (and outside!) to work on the Dedicant path. I am also a part of an ADF Proto-Grove called Banded Iron. I am very excited to be a part of all of this. And, so is my husband.
He is a very active part of my path, and I am in his. He was a pastor for an independent Lutheran church for a couple of years, but after finding out the parish admin (former pastor) was a pedophile, and committing white collar crime, and the church didn't care, he left formal ministry. Now, he is going into the Army as a chaplain, and we are going to be moving forward this year with his career path. It's been long, arduous, but worth it in the end.
And, that's my story, as it were. Thanks for reading!
Alyssa
No comments:
Post a Comment